Senior students

@ St Elizabeth's Primary School

4JK

54 Comments to

“4JK”

  1. June 4th, 2013 at 12:06 pm      Reply Kokisan Says:

    Professor Porkchops

    Professor Porchops was walking, on his way to the Simpson’s house. Suddenly, he saw a car. He sat down in it. “I’m the man yo yo yo” he said trying to act cool and differently. He pressed a button and started the car. Since it was programmed to go to the beach, it went to the beach, and Professor Porkchops was steering the steering wheel for no reason, except the reason that he was stupid. It never stopped. Once it got to the beach , it kept on going. Into the water it went. Porkchops was having so much fun he didn’t even realise that he was in the water. Then he saw a shark. Porkchops couldn’t do anything when he saw it. He had nothing in his mind (even his brain) except the word, Goodbye.

    By Kokisan

    This is my powerful paragraph .
    Do you know anything I can do to improve this?
    Could you say what you liked about my story?


  2. June 4th, 2013 at 12:07 pm      Reply Jonathan Says:

    Hi Bloggers
    My Powerful Paragragh
    Pig On The Lose
    If you have any feedback please reply.

    I went to beach with my friend jimmy. It was a great day to go to the beach. When it was 10:00am a dumb pig was on on a golf cart riding around London. I thought it was funny but the cops got the person in the fake costume that looked realistic. The dirty crook was sentenced 1 year in the slammer…

    Thanks for reading but if you see some spelling Errors, or if some text that doesn’t make sence and anything that I should change please reply

    From Jonathan


    • June 4th, 2013 at 12:19 pm      Reply Kokisan Says:

      To Jono,

      Jimmy needs a capital letter because, Jimmy is a name and a name is a proper noun. All proper nouns need a capital letter .
      From Kokisan


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:23 am      Reply ethado Says:

      Dear Jonathan,

      I thought your story was hilarious I enjoyed the pig riding a golf cart around London, and Jimmy needs a capital

      From : Ethan


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:23 am      Reply Alana Says:

      Dear Jonathan,
      It was really good.I liked how you used lots of big words.I also liked how you came up with good ideas. But You could of made it bigger by adding more descriptive and more interesting things.


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:37 am      Reply Holly Says:

      Dear Jonathan,
      Your paragraph is really funny. I love how your story was filled with description. What I didn’t understand was that you said you went to the beach and then you spoke about the crook in a life like pig costume. Maybe you should say that you saw the crook on the way to the beach.
      From, Holly1


  3. June 4th, 2013 at 12:12 pm      Reply Kristy Says:

    Hey my names Kristy and I’m going to be showing you my powerful paragraph.

    The day was finally here, Sophie was waiting backstage to perform at the Exhibition Centre with her dance crew A2D. She was very nervous and couldn’t wait but she still had an adrenaline rush. She had remembered what she had said to porky the pig,she had told him to stay home,she had felt bad for leaving him at home . Then her decision changed she was furious as anyone could be she saw porky the pig riding across the stage in a golf cart. Sophie was horrified, Porky the pig had ruined her chance of becoming famous or even having a dancing courier.

    I hope you enjoyed my powerful paragraph. If you enjoyed it why did you enjoy it. Was there any spelling or punctuation errors?


    • June 4th, 2013 at 12:21 pm      Reply Kokisan Says:

      To Kristy

      Porky needs a capital letter because it is a proper noun.

      From Kokisan.


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:05 pm      Reply Rozetta Says:

      Dear kristy,

      Your powerful paragraph was very discriptive and it had interesting sentences.

      You had 1 spelling error but I don’t think it would really stand out the word for career instead or courier but other than that it was very good.

      From rozetta


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:21 am      Reply Taymin Says:

      Hi Kirsty,

      I really loved your “Power Paragraph” I see you used A2D from Addy’s Dance Group. I think Porky the Pig is really cute and funny! As much as I thought it was really good, next time make sure to put a space after each comer.
      Keep it up!

      From: Taymin 4MP


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:24 am      Reply taylma Says:

      Dear Kirsty ,
      I really enjoyed your story , it’s realy descriptive I liked the way you said Sophie was horrified .The story really made me feel like I was there with Sophie . You probably need to describe the stage or the pig.
      From, Taylah


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:32 am      Reply Taymin Says:

      Hi Kristy,

      I really loved your Powerful Paragraph, it had lots of descriptive words. I think Porky the Pig is really funny and cute too. A much as I loved it, make sure to put a space after you put a comer.
      Keep it up!

      From: Taymin


    • July 18th, 2013 at 10:39 am      Reply Adelaina Says:

      Hi Kristy ,
      I really enjoyed you’re powerful paragraph . It was very moving and I love how you used my dance crew A2D , and used the word adrenaline. Although you had one mistake and that was how you spelt the word carrier but other then that it was amazing


  4. June 4th, 2013 at 12:20 pm      Reply Mikkel Says:

    Hi everyone here is my powerful paragraph. I am hoping to get some fead back about it and if there are any spelling mistakes.
    Dino city
    One dark scary night a scientist named Andy. He was student and doing teststests on a dinosaur skeleton . The next day the whole skeleton had just vanished, later that afternoon he saw buring fires, broken buildings and the city was a big obstical course. At that time Andy knew it w his dinosaur. He looked thought some of the files and tried to reverse the affect on the dinosaur, he finally got it after six days of working. As he was running outside this huge dinosaur looking beast wa in the hall way…

    From Mikkel


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:35 am      Reply ethado Says:

      Dear Mikkel,

      I though your story was very interesting with a lot of descriptive language and big ideas. But I found a few errors in your story that you might want to edit.

      From Ethan


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:47 am      Reply sandei Says:

      Hi Mikkel,

      Your Powerful Paragraph was very interesting and descriptive, it had great words such as ‘obstical’ and ‘vanished’ so good job!
      In the first sentence of your story, you wrote ‘tests’ twice and you also wrote ‘buring’ instead of ‘burning’. In the next sentence you wrote ‘w’ instead of ‘was’ but I guess that was just a little mistake.

      From Sandra.


  5. June 4th, 2013 at 12:22 pm      Reply Bryan Says:

    This is my powerful paragraph called New Planet.
    Can you please give me feed back on:
    Did I spell anything wrong?
    Did I use enough adjectives?
    Was it interesting?
    Was there any wrong punctuation?
    Was I too repetitive?
    New Planet
    It was the year 2100 on January the fist. I have found a new planet! It is very bazaar and much different to earth. Everything is more colourful than earth by far. I had a test on this planet’s atmosphere and found out that humans are able to live there. I had named this planet Nayrb the backwards of my name. This planet has as many animals and trees as earth. I can’t wait in one year till people will come to live on this planet!

    From Bryan


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:03 pm      Reply Shannan Says:

      Hi Bryan,
      The powerful paragraph was good although I found a spelling error. It was January the first but you spelt first as fist.
      From Shannan


      • June 17th, 2013 at 10:32 am      Reply Kristen Says:

        Dear Bryan,

        In your powerful paragraph you wrote ‘Nayrb the backwards of my name.’ I think you should have said, Nayrb which is how I spell my name backward. Your story was interesting and your description was really good, especially when you used the word bazaar. Great story, keep up the good work.

        From,
        Kristen


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:19 am      Reply Cecilia Says:

      Hi Bryan,
      Your strong paragraph is very interesting and I like the name ‘Nayrb’. The name made me laugh a lot. Even though you had a spelling mistake, I still like your strong paragraph.
      From Cecilia


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:41 am      Reply Tristan Says:

      Dear Bryan,

      I liked how you made the name for the new planet. It was very interesting, that’s what caught my eye.
      You made some mistakes, like first as fist. But that’s okay it happens. Other than the mistakes, you’re story was original and I liked the genre ( Sci- fi ).

      From Tristan


  6. June 4th, 2013 at 12:23 pm      Reply Andrew1 Says:

    This is my powerful paragraph if you have any feedback please post it in the comments.
    The opening of the sandy beach

    On one hot summers afternoon there was a large beach on the beautiful and tropical Auatralian Gold Coast. The new beach (SANDY) was finally finished after about one month long construction. It was finally opened the opening ceremony was opened by a pig on a golf cart driving and want through the red line “THE BEACH IS WAS OPEN!!” Yelled The ver exited crown as they started play for the whole day long
    THE END


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:44 am      Reply ethado Says:

      Dear Andrew,

      I liked how you introduced the setting of the story and the pig on the golf cart made me laugh a lot, but there were a few mistakes.

      From, Ethan


  7. June 6th, 2013 at 11:53 am      Reply Marie Says:

    Here is my powerful paragraph….
    YUMMY LIPS

    Today was a new day and it was just the same boring school days. Phew this day is finally over, but there is still tomorrow and the rest of the week!!! I woke up this morning and I felt like being awkward, weird and quirky. I thought and thought then an idea just popped in my mind which was…. I was sick of having normal pink lips so I felt like putting colourful sprinkles on my lips. I quickly ran around getting dressed,eating and brushing my teeth, oh and of course doing my hair. 10 minutes left till I have to leave, I ran to the messy kitchen and ft some butter and sprinkles. Firstly I put the butter on my boring pink lips then I went to the sink to put my coloured sprinkles on. I grabbed my bag and left. 5 minutes later I got into school and everyone laughed and giggled. Today I felt like walking early to class and eating the sprinkles and that’s what I did because I didn’t want to be laughed at!!!!:(

    Could please give me feedback:
    Is there any spelling OR punctuation mistakes?
    Do I need more descriptive language/words?
    BY MARIE


    • June 13th, 2013 at 5:46 pm      Reply Marie Says:

      Dear bloggers,

      I have even found a mistake that I made which was I wrote ft not got as you might’ve found already.

      From the author of this powerful paragraph Marie!


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:37 am      Reply Jessica Says:

      Hi Marie,
      I really like the tile of your paragraph ‘YUMMY LIPS’ but you could add some commas and also you have repeated pink lips a few times.You can add some figurative language but that’s is just a suggestion and besides that it’s great!

      From Jessica


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:47 am      Reply Bianca Says:

      Dear Marie,

      Your powerful paragraph was very interesting and was a wonderful idea and very creative. You described yourself very well in the paragraph.

      Maybe you could improve your powerful paragraph by making your sentences shorter. You also had a spelling mistake where it said (I ran to the messy kitchen and ft some butter and sprinkles). Other than that it was a a very interesting powerful paragraph.

      Well done Marie

      From Bianca


  8. June 6th, 2013 at 11:54 am      Reply Natasha Says:

    This is my powerful paragraph please leave feedback

    Wintana was about to walk on stage when all of a sudden she felt scared. Wintana had sprinkles all over her lips, she had blonde hair, brown eyes and she loved to sing! Wintana could hear the crowd screaming her name Wintana! Wintana! Wintana!. When Wintana got on stage she started to sing as the crowd went wild…

    By Natasha

    What are some things I need to improve on?
    What did you like about it?
    Were there any mistakes you picked up that I didn’t?


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:17 pm      Reply Gabby Says:

      I liked that you gave as the chance to decide the ending it was very creative how you made her a pop star having sparkle lips


    • June 6th, 2013 at 5:25 pm      Reply Marie Says:

      Dear Natasha,

      All I kind of have to say is WOW, that was great that paragraph and sure was powerful!!!! Now I’m wondering what is going to happen next after she sings.

      From Marie


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:48 am      Reply Steven Says:

      To Natasha,

      I really liked your powerful paragraph, I liked how you described Wintana. But the part where the crowd was screaming Wintana’s name needs talking marks.

      From Steven


    • June 22nd, 2013 at 1:59 pm      Reply Wintana Says:

      To Natasha,

      I loved your powerful paragraphs it had a lot of descriptive language. It was very Interesting I loved how when you said she loves to sing you used exclamation marks after it.

      From Wintana


  9. June 6th, 2013 at 12:01 pm      Reply Mary6 Says:

    Marista

    A newly discovered planet called Marista and in a year it will be ready to inhabit. There aren’t any living species but animals will be coming shortly. There will be schools, health and fitness centres, restaurants, houses and apartments, skyscrapers, 5 star transport, churches and all other things we have on Earth. The estimated population is 2 billion people.
    We will see you in a year.

    Did you enjoy my story?

    What could I improve on?

    Would you live on Marista? Why?

    Any positives? Any negatives? Any feedback?

    Any spelling mistakes? Punctuation errors?

    Thanks for reading,
    Mary.


    • June 6th, 2013 at 5:29 pm      Reply Marie Says:

      Dear Mary,

      I enjoyed your story alot because it was short but sharp and powerful. I would live in the new world Marista especially since it is going to be a NEW WORLD with heaps of different things to see.

      From Marie


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:17 am      Reply Kristen Says:

      Dear Mary6,

      Your story is really good. I liked how you described it. It sounded like a advertisement, which I liked because it was different to what other people did. Maybe you should describe the weather or you could say what kind of money you would use. Would you use the dollar like we do in Australia or would you make up your own money? Other than that , great job.

      From,
      Kristen


  10. June 6th, 2013 at 12:06 pm      Reply Joshua6 Says:

    Hello everyone,
    My name is Joshua, and this my powerful paragraph.
    My Awesome Reward
    One sunny morning, in the US New Jersey, I walked to my buisness place, Joshes Awesome Bedrooms. We were getting big money for what we did. I got all this money from the ceremony called, Extreme Kids Room Makeover. Everything was dark when I came in, so I switched the lights on and… “SURPRISE!” Shouted all my workers . Then I saw it, my masterpiece, my bedroom I made for all the lovely children, I got on the huge bed,”Excuse me sir, I think you can get down” said a well dressed man. “Your that butler I spent all that money on?” I said. “Yes now get down.” Shouted the man, trying to keep his voice in a happy tone. My butler took me to my office, sat me down and told me, “You know you have money.” “YEAH!” I shouted in a happy tone “…And you do know you have two point five billion dollars.” He said “WHAT, I thought I only had two million dollars! I shouted, even knowing I had more money. But the butler nodded an said “No…”
    If you had any trouble reading this or understanding the story, please comment below, don’t hesitate to tell me that I have a spelling error, at all. Thank you


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:10 am      Reply Daniel6 Says:

      Dear Josh,
      What a great and All-American story! I do have a suggestion. It’s that you use a lot of commas, so next time you might want to limit that.
      From Daniel


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:35 am      Reply Perry Says:

      Dear Josh,
      I liked how you used a lot of strong and emotive words in you story. I also liked the idea of it being in New Jersey.
      Try using less commas.
      From Perry


  11. June 6th, 2013 at 12:09 pm      Reply Gabby Says:

    Hi everyone I am Gabby and this is my powerful paragraph. Injoy
    The world record
    On ardinary day in the kitchen a famous chef named Jhon decided to change the day in the kitchen and break a world record for the biggest hamburger ever.After the meat finished cooking he was ready to pup in the ingredient ‘s and he put in the meat,tomato ,least ,cheese and mayonnaise .well he was puting in the ingredient ‘s he was whacing it get lager and lager intell it was as big as him .after a few minuetsther was a big knock it was the door it was the maoir throng he had seen the biggest hamburger hehad ever seen throng the window .the maiora just wanted to give him the world record for the biggest hamburger ever after that the town shade the hamburger

    By gabby
    Were do you think I can improve?
    Were are my spelling maskates ?
    What did you I joy about it ?
    What’s your faverit part ?


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:20 pm      Reply Natasha Says:

      That was a great paragraph gabby there were afew spelling mistakes like ordinary not ardinary other wise I loved you story.

      Natasha


    • June 6th, 2013 at 8:14 pm      Reply Wintana Says:

      That was I great paragraph gabby but you did have some spelling mistakes
      like whacing it is actually spelt like this watching but it was a good pragraph


    • June 7th, 2013 at 4:16 pm      Reply anasbo Says:

      Hi Gabby it is Anastacia

      To space out your words more.

      I enjoyed that you had lots of powerful words and that how you were creative and made the man famous instead of just a normal person.

      My best part I enjoyed most was I liked how you said the town shade the biggest hamburger ever .

      From Anastacia.


  12. June 6th, 2013 at 12:24 pm      Reply Wintana Says:

    Hi my name is Wintana and I am goning to show you my powerful paragraph it is called A DREAM COME TRUE

    It was a sunny beautiful morning a girl named Natasha she just woke up from her relaxing,peaceful,calm sleep. Her pillow was feeling very uncountable she checked if there was anything under it but found a card.WHOOSH WHOOSH! She saw cameras and photographers everywhere. Natasha looked down and saw all these glamorous and wonderful clothes and black sparkly shoes. Then she realised she she was a model her wish had come true. Suddenly she saw a door with a star saying NATASHA. Just then she looked at herself on the mirror and saw that she had sprinkle lips……
    By Wintana

    These are some questions I would like you to answer
    Did I have any spelling mistakes?
    Was it interesting and why?
    What did you like about it?


    • June 7th, 2013 at 1:55 pm      Reply Elli Says:

      Dear, wintana
      What I liked about your paragraph was that you yoused alot of descriptive words and how you describe the characters.
      From , Elli


    • June 7th, 2013 at 7:24 pm      Reply Marie Says:

      Dear Wintana,

      Wow that paragraph was cool as. I really liked how she suddenly looked in the mirror and found that she had sprinkled lips.

      From Marie


    • June 7th, 2013 at 9:46 pm      Reply Natasha Says:

      Hi wintana

      That was great wintana I loved it I could not pic up anything so great job

      From Natasha


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:24 am      Reply Tanaiya Says:

      Hi Wintana,
      I really liked your powerful paragraph because
      you used really good descriptive words like how you described the start. As much as I loved it, put a space after a comer next time.

      From Tanaiya


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:46 am      Reply anasbo Says:

      Hi Wintana.

      It was great and I love that you yoused the title and that you used capital letters and it gave it more omf.

      There was one thing you have to impove on is putting fall stops at the end of the sentences.

      From Anastacia.


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:48 am      Reply Tass Says:

      Dear Wintana,

      I liked how you used ‘whoosh whoosh’ for when the photographers came, and I like how she didn’t notice she was famous. But there was a mistake when you put in relaxing, peaceful, calm sleep because it should be relaxing, peaceful and calm sleep.

      From Tass.


  13. June 17th, 2013 at 10:37 am      Reply Prakashika Says:

    Dear 4JK,
    I personally think that your powerful paragraphs are really great. You have definitely put a lot of hard work to make them perfect you also have a lot of descriptive language that made the paragraphs really interesting to read. But sometimes you had mistakes which made it hard to understand what you were actually saying.Otherwise it was really great!

    Sincerely,
    Prakashika


Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Where To Find Our Powerful Paragraghs | Senior students
  2. 4AP Powerful Paragraphs | Senior students
  3. vickiash | Senior students

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:



Skip to toolbar