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4SG

70 Comments to

“4SG”

  1. June 4th, 2013 at 11:54 am      Reply Andy Says:

    Hi Everyone,
    We’ve been working on powerful paragraph.
    It’s called The dinosaur and I would appreciate some feedback.

    There was a scientist who had made a huge time machine. He went back to the scary time of the dinosaurs,he wasn’t sure what was going to happen.The first thing he saw as soon as he landed he saw a terrifying dinosaur,it was bigger then a giraffe and he was scarier and uglier than a gorilla,it was horrifying just to look at it. The dinosaur started chasing me,he was quite slow but he eventually caught up to me and I didn’t have much stamina left to run. At the last second I quickly got home with the machine.


    • June 4th, 2013 at 12:16 pm      Reply Alex Says:

      Hi I will be writing a powerfuL paragraph the tile is the extinct T. rex .

      One afternoon a little boy named John finished school and went to his dad and they went to the the Australian Museum. John walked down the hall way in the museum and John saw a T. rex he thought it was real and he ran straight back to his dad. His dad said ‘ it is not real it is extinct” he said. John said ‘oh silly me”.

      The end. Now please give some good feedback. Was it powerful enough,was it long enough.was it boarding and was it good enough.From Alex.


    • June 6th, 2013 at 11:59 am      Reply Alex Says:

      It was really good your powerful paragraph because it was descriptive and detailed.

      From Alex .


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:17 pm      Reply Shannan Says:

      Hi Andy,
      I found some errors before the powerful paragraph. When you said ‘we’ve been working on powerful paragraph’ when it should be ‘working on a powerful paragraph’. I also found ‘it’s called the dinosaur and I would like some feedback’ it sounds like that’s the title so I would suggest ‘the title is the dinosaur. I would like some feedback’.
      From shannan


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:22 pm      Reply Aris Says:

      Dear Andy,

      I thought your powerful paragraph was excellent, the reason it was excellent is because you thought outside of the box.

      From Aris


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:22 pm      Reply Lorenzo Says:

      Good work Andy! Descriptive and good! Describing the machine was excellent!


    • June 11th, 2013 at 6:07 pm      Reply Jayden1 Says:

      Hi andy Jayden1 here

      In your story you said “The first thing he saw as soon as he landed he saw a terrifying dinosaur” it should actually be like this “the first thing he noticed as soon as he landed was a huge terrifying dinosaur ” but other than that it was really descriptive

      From Jayden 1


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:15 am      Reply ethado Says:

      Dear Andy,

      I thought the story was very entertaining it made me laugh, although I found a few errors

      From : Ethan


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:33 am      Reply Evan Says:

      Hi Andy,

      I like the way that you set the scene and the way you described how the dinosaur looked like. You could have told how you found the time machine at the end.

      From Evan


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:34 am      Reply Jamie6 Says:

      Dear Andy,
      The paragraph was great I liked when you said the scary time of the dinosaur it was better than just saying the time of the dinosaur. I also like when you used the phrase uglier than a Gorilla. I suggest that you use more description and gorilla is a proper noun so it should be capitalised. You also could have explained the scientist.

      From Jamie


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:54 am      Reply Joshua5 Says:

      Dear Andy,

      That was a great story it was entertaining you put lots of detail on the dinosaur “it was scarier than a gorilla”. I like how he went to the time machine and you said ‘scary time’, and there was no mistakes.
      From Joshua5


    • June 28th, 2013 at 9:32 am      Reply Aris Says:

      Dear Andy,

      That was a very interesting story, keep up all the the good descriptive words.
      I liked how you thought about something random and turned it into a story.

      From Aris


  2. June 4th, 2013 at 11:57 am      Reply Aris Says:

    Powerful Paragraph

    My powerful paragraph is based on a picture of lips with sprinkles on it.

    My name is Christian, I just ate a cake that was covered in sweet hard crisp sprinkles. I dug into the cake, Sprinkles were flying everywhere, OH YEAH! I was full but I kept eating it, suddenly I fell asleep, I woke up and the cake was gone? Did I eat it while I was sleeping? Then BOOM! BANG! I Exploded.

    Please give me feed back on my powerful paragraph;

    Do I need more descriptive words?

    Was it long enough?

    Was it Powerful?

    Please share it with your friends.


  3. June 4th, 2013 at 12:03 pm      Reply Trinity Says:

    Dear Everyone
    Powerful Paragraphs – If you had to describe your Personality as a type of food, what would you be?Why?

    If I had to be a food to describe myself I wold be RICE; because I come from a Family/Country of a lot of Rice Products (Vietnam). I love many different things that’s why I think rice can represent my personality.Thats the reason why I chose rice because I can go with a lot of meals. E.g I’m very flexible In many different ways and I can adapt to new things. I’m flexible when I learn like rice having many mates to be with and play in the bowl.

    What feed back could you guys give me on my Powerful Paragraph.
    -Does my Powerful Paragraph feel like its actually talking about me?
    – How do you think you should rate this between 0-10?
    – What do you like about the Powerful Paragraphs?

    Those are the questions I have in stored for you for my Powerful Paragraphs.
    Trinity


  4. June 4th, 2013 at 12:09 pm      Reply Christian Says:

    Hi everyone. I would like you guys to give me some ideas, or hints about my story.

    The Dinosaur

    The unknown dinosaur had been hunting all day, in the wild Jungle.Finally, he has found a perfect prey.He lowered his skinny and bony body, into the long and dark bushes.He tensed his muscular back legs, preparing to leap. His black long sharp claws sparkled through the sunlight of the sun.His little eyes narrowed, and he leaped forwards.But too bad, the prey is already gone! He was feeling so hungry; but, he didn’t stop searching.

    Did you like my powerful paragraph?
    What do you think I need to work on?
    Can you find any spelling mistakes, or were they all correct?
    Was there any punctuation out of place?

    Christian2


  5. June 4th, 2013 at 12:16 pm      Reply Rozetta Says:

    If you had to describe you personalty as a type of food, what type of food would you be ? Why?

    I would be Noodles because I come from many different countries which is mostly in Asia. Most of the time noodles is the easiest thing to cook and you can cook it with a variety of toppings most people cook it with poultry, vegetables and seafood. When it comes to a type of person I am I’m a very floppy and soft person and stick to my group like a pack of spaghetti.

    What do you think I can improve on?

    What should I include?

    What would you rate it from 1-10?

    What was your favourite part?

    Thank you for reading my powerful paragraph

    By Rozetta


    • June 4th, 2013 at 12:23 pm      Reply Jonathan Says:

      Hi Rozetta,
      I give you a score out of 10 I would give you a 9 and a half it was really good and It’s discribes your favourite food
      From Jonathan


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:05 pm      Reply Lawrence Says:

      Hi, Rozzeta

      I give you a score of 9/10
      It was really good ,it was funny like “I’m a soft person and I stick to my group like a pack of spaghetti”
      And know I know what food you like.


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:07 pm      Reply Lorenzo Says:

      It was detailed of your reason why you would be noodles. I would be a meat lovers pizza because… I can live off it!


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:08 pm      Reply Trinity Says:

      Dear Rozetta,
      I think that your Powerful Paragraph was great, and really represents who you are. I like how you did noodles to represent where you come from. I am going to give you a 10/10 for your Amazing Paragraph. I think that you have no problems with your paragraph.
      From Trinity


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:08 pm      Reply Marie Says:

      Dear Rozetta,

      I would score it an 9.5. My favourite part of your paragraph was when you said that you are a floppy and soft person!!! You had a few spelling mistakes as you might’ve noticed which was you-your and personalty-personality other wise you paragraph is AWESOME!!!!!!

      From Marie


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:16 pm      Reply Trinity Says:

      Dear Rozetta,
      I think that your Powerful Paragraph was great, and really represents who you are. I like how you did noodles to represent where you come from. I am going to give you a 10/10 for your Amazing Paragraph. I think that you have no problems with your paragraph.
      From Trinity


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:36 am      Reply Madelaine Says:

      Dear Rozetta ,
      Your powerful paragraph was entertaining and engaging. Your story was packed with additional adjectives like floppy and soft. My feedback for you is to use more description about how you are like noodles.
      From Madelaine


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:57 am      Reply Lucia Says:

      Dear Rozetta,
      I think that your story is very interesting and I liked how you used adjectives like floppy and soft. I also liked how you used the phrase ‘stick to my group like a pack of spaghetti’.

      I think that you could have rephrased the first sentence and you needed a full stop in between the words toppings and most.

      From,
      Lucia


  6. June 4th, 2013 at 12:17 pm      Reply Lorenzo Says:

    This is my powerful paragraph! I would appreciate some feedback about:
    My spelling
    My punctuation
    My descriptive words
    Was it interesting?
    Did you like it?

    Here it is!

    Sprinkles

    Surprisingly, on my birthday this happened… I was standing next to my sprinkle filled cake. I was so happy until my dad shoved my face into the cake. I accidentally ate the whole cake! I started to rumble and I was getting scared. But, I kept on eating. I got terrified because of that violent rumbling that was coming from me. As I licked the last sprinkle off my lips, the ground cracked!! I exploded!!

    POP!!! It was raining sprinkles!!


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:12 pm      Reply Lawrence Says:

      Hi, Lorenzo

      I really liked your story it was funny,interesting and I liked it.

      From Lawrence


    • June 28th, 2013 at 10:44 am      Reply Shannan Says:

      Hi Lorenzo,
      I thought you powerful paragraph was quite funny. I liked how you had the last sprinkle, showing that you weren’t just exaggerating. I think you should have made it sort of longer because it is pretty short.
      From Shannan


    • July 18th, 2013 at 10:37 am      Reply Caleb Says:

      Hi Lorenzo

      I really liked you story it had lots of description but there was a few mistakes like you don’t have to have two exclamation marks after a word.

      From caleb


  7. June 4th, 2013 at 2:45 pm      Reply Lawrence Says:

    The pig in the kart

    This is my powerful paragraph.
    I would love to have some feedback on my story.
    If you find a spelling mistake can you please write it in the reply

    One warm day, some lifeguards saw a shark and they closed the beach till it goes.

    ….Now the beach is back open, but all the life guards are too lazy to tell everyone that the beach is back open so they found a big white pig and put it in there remote control kart with a sign saying “the beach is open”.

    Then when they started controlling the kart people where heading back to the beach, after 1 hr of controlling the kart the remote broke and they forgot about they pig.

    I HOPE YOU GIVE FEEDBACK!
    1.Was it too long?
    2. Was it too short!
    3.Do I need more powerful words?
    4.Was it boring?
    5. Was it funny?


  8. June 4th, 2013 at 2:46 pm      Reply Shannan Says:

    Powerful paragraph
    This week we made a powerful paragraph.
    We got picture prompts. My picture was a planet with the paragraph prompt of:
    You’re a scientist who has just discovered a new planet. In one year people will be coming to live on it. What will your planet be like? What will you name your planet? Write a paragraph describing this new planet.
    This is my powerful paragraph.
    I the greatest scientist of all, have just found a brand new planet orbiting the earth. I am so excited, I have called it ‘Manchester citopia’ it will be filled to the max with soccer pitches and each amateur team in Manchester will have a ground reserved for them there. Manchester city will be the only professional team there. They will be gifted the nicest pitch with an Allianz stadium (in Germany) design. I would make a huge bridge from every planet to Manchester citopia. Instead of the UEFA champions league and the Asian champions league I would make the Manchester citopia champions league, so the best 2 teams from each league to compete in it. Manchester city’s away matches would be pretty far away. I would have no animals or plants; the pitches would be made with artificial grass. The financial downside is that instead of spending more money on the design of Manchester citopia or manchestopia for short I would really have to drill a gigantic hole into the center of the world and then stick a giant magnetic(for gravity). Everyone would need to wear magnetic metal in their shoes to stop them from floating away. In one year people will visit me and my planet from earth. Will they survive without oxygen masks???

    Do you have any feedback?
    E.G you should have added more description in this part.
    Any spelling errors or a sentence that doesn’t make sense?
    Please give me some feedback.

    Thanks shannan


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:07 pm      Reply Alex Says:

      It was really long and descriptive and funny and detailed.

      From Alex.


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:13 pm      Reply Lawrence Says:

      Hi, Shannon

      I like your story it was descriptive it was interesting.
      But it was a little bit too long.


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:15 pm      Reply Lorenzo Says:

      Shannan I like it how you describe everything but by bit. One question. Is it a story or a paragraph? It’s very long! Great work Shannan! I love it!


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:23 pm      Reply Andy Says:

      Hi Shannan,
      I think your story is great.
      It has alot of detail and it was interesting.
      I would’ve made it more descriptive.

      From Andy


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:33 am      Reply Kevin Says:

      Dear Shannan,
      I liked how you used lots of descriptive words.I also like the name that you called the planet. My feedback is that you try to make your powefull paragraph a bit shorter

      From Kevin


  9. June 4th, 2013 at 2:50 pm      Reply Connie Says:

    Hello everyone,
    My class have been looking at powerful paragraphs and I am going to share with you my paragraph so you can give me feedback. My powerful paragraph was based on a picture that had a car in it but the car wasn’t a normal car it had spider legs coming out of it.My paragraph is called the unusual car.

    On a warm, windy autumn’s day as the grass swished from side to side, an old rusty and dirty car was sitting by the park waiting for someone to drive it. It has been there for years all alone. Everyone always walks past it like nothing’s there. No one knew who’s car it was or how it got there, it was a mystery. This car wasn’t just an ordinary car it had spider legs coming out of it, which was unusual. Years past and it was still there waiting anxiously.

    Thank you for reading, now you can give me feedback!
    Connie


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:01 pm      Reply Lorenzo Says:

      I like how you described the whole story Connie, it was excellent. Especially the start. Good job!


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:25 am      Reply Joanne Says:

      Dear Connie ,
      I liked how you based your story on something unusual because then people want find out more about what’s going to happen next but maybe you could have described the spider legs coming out of the car but otherwise great job!

      From Joanne


    • July 18th, 2013 at 10:41 am      Reply Emily1 Says:

      Hi Connie,

      Your powerful paragraph was very interesting. It was great, the way you said that how the car got there was a mystery. That makes the reader want to read on like I did. I especially liked the start because it was describing exactly what type of day it was and what type of car it was. Great job and it really engaged me. I can’t wait to see what your next powerful paragraph will be.

      Emily1


  10. June 6th, 2013 at 12:00 pm      Reply Holly2 Says:

    My powerful paragraph

    Hi, my name is Holly and this my powerful paragraph. My paragraph is based on a picture and a statement that says that I have won the extreme kids room makeover and I can design it however way I want, there is no limit to how much money I have to spend, the title of my paragraph is ‘what a wonderful room’. I would really appreciate it if you would give me some feedback on my work. Thank you.

    I had just won the the extreme kids room makeover. I wonder what I would put in it, oh, I know! The walls will painted a nice baby blue colour, along with pretty pink blossom trees. I will have a large wooden ladder (built on the wall) , which will be leading to a long bridge, covered in flowers that will take you to a small cottage, which will be made just for reading. Also, in my room I will have shelves and shelves of art supplies, along with a nice large desk that will be split in half, one side for homework and the other for arts and crafts. One significant feature in my room will have to be a giant remote that opens and closes my curtains, windows, draws and dressers and shuts,opens, locks and unlocks all of my doors.My bed will be king sized with silk pillows and luxurious quilts, and I will have timber covering my floor. Next I will have a fridge and small pantry to store all of my snacks and beverages, along with a good quality ice-cream and popcorn maker for when I’m watching movies on my plasma screen tv, or when it’s just a hot day. Another feature in my room will probably be a long, wooden rail and a large mirror for me to practice my dance techniques, and be prepared for my next exam. I will have a grand piano in the corner of my bedroom so that I could practice all my songs. Something else that would be in my room, is a big purple couch for me to sit on and relax. One last feature that I will have, is lights that just glow in the dark, they will be shinning above my head when I’m asleep.


    • June 6th, 2013 at 12:23 pm      Reply Lorenzo Says:

      Extremely descriptive… BUT, it’s very long. It’s excellent!


    • June 6th, 2013 at 8:24 pm      Reply Wintana Says:

      WOW that’s a great paragraph really descriptive I really liked it!


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:31 am      Reply Sachini Says:

      Dear Holly2,

      Your paragraph was extremely enteresting. I liked the glow in the dark lights. It is very creative. I like how you described the bed. You could shorten it a bit but other than that It was very descriptive.Well done Holly!

      From Sachini


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:52 am      Reply Joanne Says:

      Dear Holly ,
      That was a really good story and I wish I would have that room because you really described the room and it really felt like you were talking to me but when you said shelves and shelves it sounded a bit repetitive but other than that it was awesome .

      From Joanne


  11. June 6th, 2013 at 12:13 pm      Reply Emily1 Says:

    My powerful paragraph

    Hello bloggers,
    My name is Emily and this is my powerful paragraph. My powerful paragraph is based on a picture and caption of a planet. If you comment on my ( slightly long) paragraph, it would be much appreciated if you could give me some feedback.Thank you and I hope you enjoy it.
    It is called the new planet.
    It was the 30th of June, Scientist Emily.F( the head scientist of Victoria) was wearing her professional looking lab coat and was looking into the universe with a gigantic telescope. That day something extremely exciting occurred. ” Boss! Boss!” shrieked Emily. “What” replied Major Armstrong. ” there is something in the distance, a new planet!” shouted Emily whilst jumping up and down acting as if she were hyper active. Without even checking whether the planet was safe or not, Emily jumped into her astronaut suit, launched the G-6 rocket and away she went. This was her2nd dream come true. When Emily landed on the new- found planet, she heaved all of her possessions out. She got out a flag with her face on it and said” I have been waiting for this moment my whole life… I name this planet, PLANET LIBRA… after all I am a libra.” With that announcement Emily stuck the flag into the purple- marbled surface of the planet.Emily cautiously removed her helmet and realized that she could breathe. ” I declare that in one – years time humans will be able to live on this planet and call it ‘home’.” Exclaimed Emily on a monotone. Emily looked around the planet searching for what things she could start building on. She saw the holes from the rounded ground rising up and into the air.” Those could be homes” wondered Emily peering down the deep, wide and perfectly clean holes. Emily thought… I can do anything I want with this planet. First of all, she started planting trees, grass and flowers. Next, she started building towers and shops. Then, she started furnishing homes and even created a new currency, zlootons! The planet looked like earth if you did not count the purple marbled earth. “Done” sighed Emily after a years time. She space phoned Major Armstrong saying that the planet was ready. People loved planet Libra. One day Major Armstrong himself came and presented Scientist. Emily with the biggest award ever!
    Please give me feed back on my
    *punctuation
    *Spelling
    *if the story made sense and
    * if it was descriptive
    Thank you


  12. June 6th, 2013 at 12:23 pm      Reply Connie Says:

    Hi Holly,
    WOW I thought your powerful paragraph was so interesting and descriptive. I love how you describe your room. I give you a 10/10
    Connie


  13. June 6th, 2013 at 12:24 pm      Reply Nicholas Says:

    Powerful paragraph
    THE PIGS BIG QUESTION

    One Sunny day a big black pig was driving to the beach. We’re the blue waves crash and bash and were the golden sand is burns the sole of your foot. while the pig was driving a long stylish black car with dark tinted windows pulled up next to the pig. He said would you like to perform in a circus…

    THE END

    Questions
    1.Was there enough descriptive language ?
    2.Was it interesting ?
    3.Was there any punctuation or spelling errors
    Let me know

    BY:Nicholas1


  14. June 7th, 2013 at 10:55 am      Reply Christopher Says:

    Hello everyone my name is Christopher

    I have wrote a powerful power paragraph.I want feedback from you and if you liked it

    The Beach Is Open
    One day in a good all city named Chelsea.Where all the good all celebrations and happy moments come from.Till one day a beach was opening.Spectators around the world heard about the beach opening at Chelsea city say its the best beach in the world!The beach is so good it got little cute piglets to ride a small little golf car that was remote controlled with a flag that says the Chelsea city beach is open.The beach is so good that it was on the news around the world and in the news paper.The first day the beach was full of people,millions of people came (Sicastick)

    Questions
    1.Was my powerful paragraph descriptive?
    2.Did you like my powerful paragraph?
    3.Was it interesting?

    Thank you for reading my powerful paragraph and giving me feedback


    • June 17th, 2013 at 10:24 am      Reply Andrew3 Says:

      Dear Christerphor,

      Your powerful paragraph was great it was interesting when you were talking about Chelsea beach and your powerful paragraph was descriptive nice work

      From Andrew3.


  15. June 17th, 2013 at 12:04 pm      Reply Melanie Says:

    Winter excitement!

    I woke up in the morning, I was really excited about the snow! I checked the window, it was really foggy, I wiped the window, I saw snow! It was really unbelievable! It was pure white! Since I loved snow I wondered what it would taste like? I picked some snow up outside the window and tasted it, It tasted like flavourless icy pole, It was really cold and refreshing, It was really windy,there were trees swaying everywhere! I closed the window and went back to sleep in my cozy warm bed dreaming about a enchanted snow land.

    ByMelanie


  16. June 17th, 2013 at 1:23 pm      Reply Daniel5 Says:

    The eight legged car

    This is my powerful paragraph about a eight legged car

    One day there was a magical scientist his name was hector, he invented a half spider/car. One day he decided to make a cloning machine and cloned himself…the clone jumped out and grabbed the remote and ran.The scientist clone didn’t know how to control the half spider/car it went wild.The villages were so affarid so the scientist quickly ran and got the remote and clicked the deactivate button and everything was back to normal again.

    1.Spelling
    2.Punctuation
    3.Was it long enough


  17. July 18th, 2013 at 10:55 am      Reply Robert Says:

    Dear Daniel,

    I liked how you used your imagination to come up with a half spider/car and a cloning machine. There was enough description but there was a few spelling mistakes but overall it was fun to read.


  18. July 18th, 2013 at 10:58 am      Reply Jack2 Says:

    Hello Andy,

    I read your powerful paragraph and I liked it, there were a few spelling errors but apart from that the story was pretty good. Most of the errors were that you hadn’t added the right words or that you didn’t spell the word right but apart from those few spelling errors it was a great story


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